Relationships

By Daniel Robledo | Last Updated August 08, 2020

We all like having good social relationships, right?

It feels so good when you have a problem and you have friends, family, lovers… supporting you.

It’s also great to have someone on the reach to spend some time laughing and hanging out.

But there are certain times that it is not so easy to make friends as it was when we were kids — back then you just needed both to play “Pokemon” — or to maintain some of the friendships that are slowly falling apart.

Luckily for us, even tho this problem includes other people, most of the solution resides inside you, inside your habits.

In this three-part post, you are going to learn The Three Commandments Of Social Relationships, I promise you that if you put the effort and implement all of these commandments into your social interactions, you will get your relationships and happiness skyrocket.

This is a pretty long and slow-action process so I have divided it into three different posts, I recommend that you try to put one in action at a time.

The Importance Of Social Relationships

We, humans, are social beings, we’ve survived all of these years thanks to living in cooperation with others.

Now we no longer need others to survive — understanding the term “survive” as literally not dying — we could live all by our selves and have no contact with other human beings.

If that is what you want, it’s totally fine, if you are more of an introvert that’s ok too, you don’t have to be a full-on extrovert who talks non-stop with everybody, even if it is what society rewards the most.

Having that said, we can not negate that good social relationships give us tons of advantages in the emotional, physical, and professional fields.

And the first step in getting those relationships is to make people feel good when around you while making YOU feel good too, that’s where “The Simple Kindness” comes into place.

Social Relationships Commandment #1: The Simple Kindness

The first commandment you are going to learn is both the simplest and the most powerful of all of them. It is as simple as smiling more and using others’ names frequently.

This commandment is based on two psychological phenomenons: The Smiling Effect and The Identity Pointing.

Smiling

Even tho we use more than 10 muscles when we smile, it is one of the most autonomous responses to stimulus and one of the easiest things to start doing more if you want to both feel better and make others feel better.

The Psychological Effect Of The Smile

Smiling signals others that you are friendly and should not be identified as a threat.

When you are talking to someone and you are smiling, you are telling them: “I like being here, I like being around you“, this non-verbal message is more powerful than most of the things people say when small-talking.

There are also great benefits for yourself to smile since your mood tends to align with your facial expression, if you smile when bad things happen, you are reinforcing the neuron-paths associated with positive thinking.

The Mirror-Neurons

Another key point of smiling is linked with what are called “Mirror-Neurons“, this special type of neurons tend to mimic the behavior they see — just like a mirror —.

Keeping this in mind, if you smile more often you will make people smile more often too, greeting them with both kindness and the self-benefits of the smile.

Using Names

The second fundamentals of the SK commandment is the constant use of other people’s names.

It may seem weird that using someone’s name will strengthen your relationships but, as Dale Carnegie states in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People:

“A person’s name is to that person, the sweetest, most important sound in any language.”

Using a person’s name in conversation creates a culture of respect, recognition, and consideration for the discussion.

The Identity

Names are really connected to what is called “The Identity“. Essentially a person’s identity is what makes them who they are, the values, principles, family, friends, career, hobbies, work…

When you use someone’s name you are pointing right into their identity, making them feel connected to you since you are not talking to someone, you are talking to them, to their identity.

Keep in mind that using other’s names could be a double-edged sword, there is nothing worse than to hurt a person’s identity, be careful.

Dialogue Example

Alright, so now that you know about the first commandment, let me give you a dialogue example so that you can start putting it in practice.

We are going to hear two conversations on the same topic between Ellie and Riley, in the first one, Ellie is not applying “The Simple Kindness” but in the second one she is, notice the difference between the two.

Dialogue 1

Ellie: “Hey! How was your summer?”

Riley: “Hello! It wasn’t so bad, we went to the Niagara Falls, and yours?”

Ellie: “It was good yeah. Did you like it?”

Riley: “Well… the weather was not the best and we had to wait over 30 minutes for the taxi to come for us when we’re heading back”

Ellie: “I see, that sure was not fun, but you had 30 extra minutes to see the falls, right?

Riley: “Yeah… I guess so, the landscape was not bad but the wait was so boring that I even though of trying to paint the landscape hahaha.”

Ellie: “Hahaha, nice idea.”

Dialogue 2

Ellie: “Hey Riley! How was your summer?”

Riley: “Hello! It wasn’t so bad, we went to the Niagara Falls, and yours?”

Ellie: “It was good yeah. Oh! (smiling) that had to be great, wasn’t it?”

Riley: “Well… the weather was not the best and we had to wait over 30 minutes for the taxi to come for us when we’re heading back”

Ellie: “I see, but if you think about it Riley, you had 30 extra minutes to see the falls. And since you are a painter, you must have gotten tons of inspiration! (smiling)”

Riley: “Yeah… I guess so, now that I think about it, it was pretty awesome and since there were some clouds, it ended up being a pretty interest landscape. (smiling too)”

As you can see there is a big difference in the overall feel of the conversation even though the message is the same.

In the first dialogue, Ellie doesn’t point out Riley’s identity even once, making this interaction not personal at all and making Riley feels like she is not even talking specifically to her.

You may also notice that at the end of the conversation Riley is pretty down because of the long wait of the taxi and Ellie doesn’t even notice it.

Moving onto the second one, you may notice that Ellie points out Riley’s identity as a painter by talking about how she must have gotten inspiration from the trip, which leads to a deeper connection between the two.

To finish with, in the second dialogue, Ellie seeks the positive side of Riley’s story and smiles frequently. This causes Riley’s mirror-neurons to mimic hers and end up with Riley finding the positive side and smiling too, making both happy.

Putting “The Simple Kindness” Into Practice

Alright, now you have learned the first of The Three Commandments Of Social Relationships and I hope you are excited to put it into action.

What I want you to do for the next week is:

• Whenever you talk to someone, write down their name and try to use it frequently
• Smile when you want to emphasize the emotional value of what you are saying
• When someone tells you about something, smile more.

These two habits may come unnatural at first — especially if you are an introvert — but don’t worry, once you start building them, it will become automatic in no time!

I hope you enjoyed this post and that you look forward to learning about the next commandment: “The Three Don’ts”

Thank you so much and I’ll see you next time.

Books Credits

Carnegie, Donna Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Vermilion, 2005.